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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and worry.

Even processing later can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.